dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
