I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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