So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
