Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
