I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
