Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
