I should be sponsored by Trojan
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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