sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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