: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
