I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
