I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
