Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
