and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
