Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
