Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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