I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
