I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
