I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize