Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
