i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
