How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
