4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Please, let me fuck your mom
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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