It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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