just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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