I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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