Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
A bitchslap is in order.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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