apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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