he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
