I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize