I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
