I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
