Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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