I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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