i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize