Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
