When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
