I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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