Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
