Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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