my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
