so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
