My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
