eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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