I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
