New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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