Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
