I didn't shave. On purpose
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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