Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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