please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
