If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
