Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
