I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
