he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
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