quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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