they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
