I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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